When we were children we thought intimate partner relationships (i.e. relationships between two people living together as “spouses”) were simple. We thought all you had to do was meet a sleeping princess, kiss the charming prince, put on a big expensive wedding, and you’d live happily ever after. Thanks Walt, but as Kim Kardashian, Sandra Bullock, and so many others have publicly demonstrated, it’s just not that easy. Despite the good intentions of both people involved, relationships and marriages fail at ridiculously high rates, and even those that do manage to stay together often do it only for the sake of the kids, or only out of fear, or simply because that is what is expected. The sad reality is, our world of relationships and marriage is not characterized by “happily-ever-after,” it is characterized by relationship trauma, the disintegration of marriage, general despair, and quiet (but desperate unhappiness). Yet despite the high failure rates we try, try, try.
And why is that?
Why do we try so hard?
Why do we not just give up go with casual, meaningless sex?
Because we all want human contact, we all want deep intimacy, and we all want committed loyalty. We all want somebody who has our back, puts us first, takes our feelings into account, and hangs with is. It is like we are hard wired for intimate partnerships and while a few cynics may scoff and sputter, certainly we’ve never met anybody who wants to be alone. Most people it seems thrive only in intimate, loving relationships. Still, and despite our sometimes desperate need for intimate partner relationships, we just can’t seem to get it right.
And why is that?
Well, for so many reasons Gina and I just don’t know where to start. Chances are, your parents weren’t good models for you, your average romantic comedy doesn’t provide good advice, Disney’s notions are ridiculously stereotyped at best, and your friends, well, how many successful, long term relationships have they had? And this is just the base cultural soil we plant our relationship seed in (not very good as you can see). It doesn’t even begin to include a consideration of the damage violent and abusing parenting , or bad past relationships, can do to our ability to trust and attach. And don’t even get us started on so called “professional” guidance. The majority of psychologists we’ve met work ridiculous hours, focusing the majority of their energy and attention on career, get their emotional, psychological (and sometimes even physical) needs met outside the relationship, and thereby neglect their spouse and their children at home. If you are interested in getting your own relationship house in order then you have to ask the hard question here, how can a counselor who needs guidance themselves provide anybody with solid advice on relationships at all? Spend your hard earns dollars in that direction if you want, but don’t be surprised if it isn’t money well spent.
In any case, the topic is big and the problem legion, but that is no reason not to tackle it and that is what we propose to do. Over the next few months we’ll write about the modern intimate relationships, explore the “soil” from which they sprout, the cultural bed in which they are nurtured, and all the interferences, obstacles, and nonsense that get in the way of attaining the holy grail of intimate partner relationships, happiness. We’ll draw from our own two decade struggle to “get it right,” from what we see going on around us, and also from our private practice where we’ve seen all our clients struggle with intimate partner happiness. Our goal here isn’t to be the final word on intimate partner relationships and how to have them, but simply to give you some ideas to consider. If you’re happy the way you are, if your intimate relationship(s) is satisfying at an emotional, intellectual, physical, and spiritual level, then great. If not, then read along. You never know, you might find something in this series that will help you improve your ability to trust, connect, and be intimate with the person that you’ve chosen to live your life with.
Mike and Gina
Next article, starting with the basics.
