If you are a victim of abuse and you need help healing, contact us. We do in-person, email, and phone sessions and have had great success with eating disorders, OCD, depression, marital dysfunction, and other outcomes of toxic family, intimate partner, and social, abuses.

The group leader says it is for your own good and that it will teach you life skills, but for you it is an emotional horror show. I mean, can you imagine the emotions that you’d feel? Singled out in a group of twenty, publicly labelled as a loser too stupid to follow the rules, the subject of derisive and degrading attention, isolated, even terrorized by the psychological horror, you’d be traumatized for a long period of time. And this would be true even if the group you were in was relatively supportive. Even if they downplayed the social isolation and public shaming, you’d still feel it at a deep level. We are social beings after all and as the great Robert Merton said, we get our self image in part by the way others see us. And if we think others are seeing us as some stupid loser (which is actually the intent of socially isolating someone in this fashion) then that is how we are going to see ourselves. And that can’t help but have a negative, disturbing, impact on us.

Of course the sad thing is, it is a lot worse then just your own personal feelings about it. The reality is most groups would not be supportive. A lot of psychological research in the sixties (look up Zimbardo’s prison experiments) show very clearly just how ugly it can get for people who are publicly separated and isolated. People, even close friends and family, turn on you when an authority figure labels, isolates, and rejects. There can be a snow ball effect. First you sit in the middle of the room and feel bad. Then the people around you start to treat you differently. They laugh and point fingers and find other ways to isolate and exclude you. They avoid you at coffee break, talk behind your back, titter and laugh and generally extend the boundaries created by the visual isolation. Pretty soon you become a bonafied social pariah, avoided by all and excluded by many. Of course from a social control perspective the whole things works very well because having experienced that kind of trauma once, you’ll never want to go through it again, and so fer sure you’ll jump into line and tap along with the tune provided. But of course once you’ve been labelled and humiliated, the emotional damage is done.

Talking about it now you can see, it just can’t be a good thing and as an adult experiencing something like that you’d probably (hopefully) recognize the abuse for what it was and leave the group. I’d certainly encourage it. Research (see below) shows that people who experience emotional abuse have problems with anger, attachment, bonding, emotional responsiveness, have problems applying even basic social skills. How damaging would that kind of public isolation and rejection be for you if you actually put up with it? So if you’re experiencing something like that, get up and walk away.

Now of course, saying it like this makes a solution to the problem seem relatively easy, just get up and walk away. But now imagine that the team leader has authority over you. Imagine that your group leader actually had the power to confine you to that “box” in front of twenty of your friends and colleagues. It would be bad enough to begin with, but it would be even worse under conditions of force and duress. Not only could you not get up and leave no matter how you were feeling, but all the negative emotions would be amplified to that point that even a tough, independent, adult might succumb to the damaging effects of the abuse. It is not even too much to say that a sensitive adult may experience post-traumatic stress. After all, being shamed in a public space is a traumatic event by any standards.

So, if you are following along with me now you are probably thinking that this form of bald faced abuse of power and authority is something that we, as a civilized modern society, should be able to do without. There’s lots of way to motivate people without resorting to either physical or emotional abuse. In fact, as anybody with a clue will tell you, physical and emotional abuse are horrible motivators leading to far more problems than they solve. So imagine now that we take this box thing and do it to children in school. Imagine you have a twelve year old daughter and imagine the teacher has threatened that child that if they don’t behave and live up to expectations, they are going to have to sit on the floor for a week. You remember what school is like, and how horrible children can be to each other. I imagine that a psychologically and emotionally defenseless child would be TERRORIZED by even the thought of that sort of public display and humiliation. You can imagine the damage done should the child actually be forced, by the teacher, to submit to the public humiliation. Self esteem would take a hit, their social network would probably crumble, and the effects would no doubt trickle out into the schoolyard in ways to innumerable to enumerate in this short article. Schools have a hard enough time dealing with bullying to begin with without teachers painting a target on a child’s back in this fashion.

I’m not kidding.

If my twelve year old daughter can’t “make the rent” in her classroom, her teacher is going to identify, isolate, ridicule, and publicly humiliate her by taking away her desk and forcing her to sit on the floor in the midst of thirty of her school age peers. And while her teacher says that it probably won’t be a problem for my daughter, I am horrified nonetheless that even the threat has been issued. I mean, this same teacher, and this school principle, would never ever in a million years think they could pull a stunt like this with adults (can you imagine how upset the teaching staff of the school would be if I put their names and pictures here, put them in a box in public, and held them up for public shaming and ridicule? Furious they’ll be. I’m sure it will be bad enough that I’ve just pointed at them in this fashion), so why are the feelings of our children so irrelevant that they do not even register on their radar? Frankly I feel sorry for the three kids she’s done it to in the past. I mean, I’ve read the research, I am counselor by trade, I am aware of how profoundly damaging something like this can be, and frankly I am shocked that professional teachers seem unaware of basic psychological research. I hate being such a boisterous critic but this is important. The research shows this kind of thing undermines creativity, damages productivity, and causes social problems. As a society we’re always looking for ways to save money so if these practices undermine our global competitiveness and cost us in terms of damaged creativity, lower productivity, and the cash dollars it takes to deal with social problems, then on those grounds alone we should be up in arms over this kind of nonsense. If you ask me though, protecting our kids from emotional harm is reason enough.

Bottom line?

If our education system is turning out teachers and principles who don’t think twice about emotionally abusing our children, and if as parents we can’t see that abuse, and don’t stand up to stop it, then we as a society, got a problem.

Sources and References

Brendgen, Mara, Wanner, Brigitte, & Vitaro, Frank (2006). Verbal Abuse by the Teacher and Child Adjustment from Kindergarten Through Grad e6. Pediatrics, 117: 5.

Hyman, Irwin & Snook, Pamela (1999). Dangerous Schools. What we can do about the physical and emotional abuse of our children.

Krugmen, Richard D. & Krugman, Mary K (1984). Emotional Abuse in the Classroom: The Pediatrician’s Role in Diagnosis and Treatment. Archives of Pediatrics and Adolescent Medicine. 128: 284-286.

Moeller, James R. (2002). The Combined Effects of Physical, Sexual, and Emotional Abuse During Childhood: Long-term Health Consequences for Women. Child Abuse and Neglect, 17(5): 623-40.

• http://kalimunro.com/wp/articles-info/sexual-emotional-abuse/emotional-abuse-the-most-common-form-of-abuse
• http://www.findcounseling.com/journal/child-abuse/emotional-abuse.html
• Zimbardo Documentary

And why is that?

Why do we try so hard?

Why do we not just give up go with casual, meaningless sex?

Because we all want human contact, we all want deep intimacy, and we all want committed loyalty. We all want somebody who has our back, puts us first, takes our feelings into account, and hangs with is. It is like we are hard wired for intimate partnerships and while a few cynics may scoff and sputter, certainly we’ve never met anybody who wants to be alone.  Most people it seems thrive only in intimate, loving relationships. Still, and despite our sometimes desperate need for intimate partner relationships, we just can’t seem to get it right.

And why is that?

Well, for so many reasons Gina and I just don’t know where to start.  Chances are, your parents weren’t good models for you, your average romantic comedy doesn’t provide good advice, Disney’s notions are ridiculously stereotyped at best, and your friends, well, how many successful, long term relationships have they had? And this is just the base cultural soil we plant our relationship seed in (not very good as you can see). It doesn’t even begin to include a consideration of the damage violent and abusing parenting , or bad past relationships, can do to our ability to trust and attach. And don’t even get us started on so called “professional” guidance. The majority of psychologists we’ve met work ridiculous hours, focusing the majority of their energy and attention on career, get their emotional, psychological (and sometimes even physical) needs met outside the relationship, and thereby neglect their spouse and their children at home. If you are interested in getting your own relationship house in order then you have to ask the hard question here, how can a counselor who needs guidance themselves provide anybody with solid advice on relationships at all?  Spend your hard earns dollars in that direction if you want, but don’t be surprised if it isn’t money well spent.

In any case, the topic is big and the problem legion, but that is no reason not to tackle it and that is what we propose to do. Over the next few months we’ll write about the modern intimate relationships, explore the “soil” from which they sprout, the cultural bed in which they are nurtured, and all the interferences, obstacles, and nonsense that get in the way of attaining the holy grail of intimate partner relationships, happiness. We’ll draw from our own two decade struggle to “get it right,” from what we see going on around us, and also from our private practice where we’ve seen all our clients struggle with intimate partner happiness. Our goal here isn’t to be the final word on intimate partner relationships and how to have them, but simply to give you some ideas to consider. If you’re happy the way you are, if your intimate relationship(s) is satisfying at an emotional, intellectual, physical, and spiritual level, then great. If not, then read along. You never know, you might find something in this series that will help you improve your ability to trust, connect, and be intimate with the person that you’ve chosen to live your life with.

Mike and Gina

Next article, starting with the basics.

Why is that?

Well, without going into a lot of detail, we think the primary reason for that is HYPOCRISY and CONTRADICTION. You see, the image of Christmas, the holiday myth, the Miracle on 34st idea, is that Christmas is a happy time when happy, functioning families get together and share happy, healthy feasts with much laughing and joy. But unfortunately, that is not the reality. While our local television stations feed us the “2 1/2 men” lie that everything is hunky dory in family land, the reality is that for a large number of people,  sexual abuse, alcoholism, addiction, mental disorder, disease, and family strife are the harsh realities. You may have a hard time with this but the statistics bare it out. Just consider child sexual abuse. One in four boys, and one in three girls, will have experienced child sexual abuse by the time they are twenty. That means most families have a victim or two hiding away somewhere in the kids’ rooms. But that’s not the worst part. The worst part of it is that these people will be victimized multiple times. They will be victimized by the predators who abuse, victimized by their parents when the parents protect the predator, and victimized by The System which isn’t really set up  to deal properly with the problem anyway.

And that’s just sexual abuse! That’s not even counting the physical beatings, emotional abuse, and psychological rape that passes for socialization in most North American families. You can deny it all you want, but it is rampant all around you.

No wonder Christmas is so hard! It is the time of year that we are called upon to be the biggest, most flamboyant, most outrageous liars and hypocrites of all, and who can feel good about themselves while doing that? In order to maintain the belief that our family is healthy, happy, and hopeful we force a glittering illusion and for the sake of appearances stuff the pain, cover it over, and suffer through it in repressive silence — pretending that uncle Jim didn’t touch little Suzy in the vagina area, that mom isn’t completely destroyed by the abuse she experienced as a child, and that dear old dad isn’t a selfish and emotionally abusive alcoholic.

Of all the lies that there are in the world as it has become today, for many people Christmas is perhaps the biggest lie of all.

So what are you going to do?

How are you going to end the cycle?

Well, you’re going to have to make some hard choices, and you’re gonna have to change. You are going to have realize that a family that can’t deal with sexual abuse, addiction, alcoholism, violence, and rape but instead covers it up and hides it away behind a “don’t judge me” barrier of selfish self-protection is no family at all, and no amount of holiday illusion will make it so. You’re going to have to quit hoping and praying that some magical bullet, or some graceful divine ray, is going to bring the family back to health. You’re going to have to stop wishing for a thing that you’ll never have and most important, you’re going to have to make a choice. If you ever want to have even the hope of a healthy, happy, holiday season, you’re going to have to dig yourself out of the pathology and put a strict boundary around the toxicity not only so you can heal and recover yourself, but also so that you might break the cycle and protect yourself and any children you have from having to live through another generation of silly nonsense. In this way, and only in this way, will you be able to brake the inter-generational cycle of violence and abuse and finally create the holiday season that you really want to have.

And I know this sounds radical, ferocious, and harsh, and I understand it seems counter intuitive, especially in a culture, and on a world, that says “keep the family together no matter how broken it is.” But you can’t clean yourself off while you are swimming in polluted water, and no institution is worth keeping if it causes, supports, and then finally obscures in one yearly orgasm of consumer delusion, the suffering, pain, and destruction it has caused. If you want to move forward and you want our advice, make the hard choices, cut away the disease and toxicity, and only then may you live happily ever after.

These books are both different. You may be surprised to learn that neither of the books require (or even advise) total abstinence from alcohol, and both strip out the heavy duty demonization and moralization that often goes a long with this disease (like you are someone weak and deficient because you are an alcoholic). Instead they advise, in an open and sensible manner free of the prohibition like frenzy that often surrounds this social problem, change in diet, lifestyle, and attention to whatever social or emotional pathologies may encourage addictive behavior. Recognizing that alcohol, like other addictive substances, provides an endorphin rush (i.e. they make your brain feel good), the books develop treatment strategies that deal with that. Treatment involves a pharmacological intervention that interferes with the uptake of endorphins in the brain (thus robbing you of the feel good properties of alcohol) and dramatically reducing craving over time. The book authors claim success rates as high as 80% which is incredible considering how difficult addictions are to treat. I haven’t seen these treatments in action yet, though I do have a client who I’m hoping will try them out. They do, however, seem highly promising, and they are backed by serious scientific research.

Whiskey in a bottle. Now as a sociologist I usually don’t buy into biological or genetic explanations of anything. For me traditional psychology has too narrow a focus and it misses a lot of key causal factors when it approaches psychological dysfunction. I understand the power that advertising, the media, and our social groups have to determine our behavior and personality so from my sociologically sophisticated perspective, even something as “genetic” as IQ isn’t really genetic at all, but social. Still, what I found most interesting about the books from a sociological point of view was the emphasis on the relationship between alcohol and endorphins, a biological process. Endorphins of course are the natural “feel good” drugs in your brain. Similar to morphine, the body releases endorphins in responses to both positive and negative stimuli. Stress and pain cause endorphin release, but also laughter and orgasm. In addition, long distance running has long been associated with endorphin release (the so called “runner’s high”). Endorphins are the body’s “feel good” system and lack of endorphins may lead to depression. Drinking alcohol is a way to encourage endorphin release in the brain.

But why do you need alcohol to encourage endorphin release if it is released by other activities?

So what are you going to do about this? Well, if there is an addiction present the implications are clear, you have to break the chemical association and change your environment so your body is not so overwhelmed that it needs additional medication. We now know how to break the chemical association in the brain (both books reviewed here provide a solution). The harder part is cleaning up our social environments; but at least now you know where to start looking.

Written by Dennis DeYoung
Lead Vocals by Dennis DeYoung

Welcome to the Grand illusion
Come on in and see what’s happening
Pay the price, get your tickets for the show
The stage is set, the band starts playing
Suddenly your heart is pounding
Wishing secretly you were a star.

But don’t be fooled by the radio
The TV or the magazines
They show you photographs of how your life should be
But they’re just someone else’s fantasy
So if you think your life is complete confusion
Because you never win the game
Just remember that it’s a Grand illusion
And deep inside we’re all the same.
We’re all the same…

So if you think your life is complete confusion
Because your neighbors got it made
Just remember that it’s a Grand illusion
And deep inside we’re all the same.
We’re all the same…

America spells competition, join us in our blind ambition
Get yourself a brand new motor car
Someday soon we’ll stop to ponder what on Earth’s this spell we’re under
We made the grade and still we wonder who the hell we are…

Too often the public is misled with partial information and inaccurate statements from the media and pharmaceutical company influenced physicians on treatment alternatives using anything other than prescription medications to treat mental illness. Side-effects of medications used for mental disorders are discussed, as well as possible interactions and side-effects of alternative therapies.

Holistic Mental Health compares traditional treatment with alternative therapies for disorders such as Alzheimer’s, Anxiety, ADHD, depression, headaches/migraines, Bipolar disorder and schizophrenia and gives recommendations backed by clinical research.

Like everybody else, the boy was struck by the beauty of the woman. His secret pleasure was to hang back and look on as the woman collected the money from the passers by. She was attractive, beautiful almost, but it was the dog that drew them in. After all, how often do you see a 3 legged dog? Especially one so well taken care of by a beautiful woman.

How and where the woman and the dog lived, no one knew. But day in and day out, sitting on the curb, they sat together. The woman would pet the dog or scratch his neck, and occasionally she gave him a morsel of food.

“Look how good she is to that pathetic dog!” the passers-by would say.

“Why, a beautiful woman like that, she could have any dog she wanted! But just look how she loves that thing, even though he is crippled and very old.”

With these sentiments in their mind, most people wouldn’t think twice about dropping a few dollars in the woman’s jar, especially because the woman was beautiful after all. And what is a few dollars to help a one so beautiful who takes such good care of a crippled dog?

Now the boy didn’t much care for the dog; his gaze was all for the woman. How beautiful she was! Though he didn’t dare to speak to her, and he had no money to give, still the boy hung around the woman towards the back of the crowd. Day in and day out he did this, and over time — even though his focus was mostly on the woman — he came to notice that her dog was not doing very well.

The boy watched, and each day, the dog seemed to be growing older, and he was no longer taking pleasure in the morsels that the woman gave him. But something else bothered the boy. To the boy, something didn’t seem right.

As he continued to observe the beautiful woman and her three legged dog, the boy started to notice that the woman’s behavior toward the dog was rather peculiar, and more-and-more something about this continued to bother the boy.

He noticed for example that the dog wasn’t feeling well, and was obviously in pain. But the woman didn’t seem to notice this, which was strange. He also noticed that yes, the woman would pet the dog, and even give him a morsel of food, but only at opportune times — like when the passer-bys drew near.

The boy then grew suspicious of the woman, and eventually he started to hold in contempt those passers by who were so enchanted by the woman and her dog.

“What is wrong with these people?” thought the boy. “Surely they can see that the woman doesn’t love that dog at all! Why, she is just using it!”

But even as the boy’s perception regarding the woman and her dog changed, the perceptions of the passers-by stayed the same. Over and over men would walk by, be struck by the woman’s beauty and obvious good nature because she took care of the dog, and drop money in her jar. The woman would smile at the men who did this, and lightly touch their hand, and the boy started to see that the men didn’t care about the dog either: as it lay there so pathetically, obviously dying, the men’s attention was only on the woman.

Again and again the boy returned, and each day, the dynamic between the beautiful woman, her crippled dog, and the passer-by continued to play out as it always had… until one day, the woman was alone, and the boy quickly ascertained from the conversation of the men that her dog had died.

The boy was suspicious of the woman by this point, and noticed right away that the woman continued to touch the hands of the men who put the money in her jar, and though she was talking about her dog dying, it seemed to the boy that her story was belying the fact that she didn’t care about the dog at all: it was her own misery at being forced to watch her dog die that she lamented to the men.

But the woman was crying, and the boy started to forget about the irregularities he noticed in the woman’s behavior toward her dog. After all, the woman looked so beautiful sitting there, and she was crying after all.

But something happened next that the boy will never forget. As he stood there watching the woman, one of the men who had been by earlier came back carrying a small puppy in a blanket.

“Here,” the man said, “take this puppy; his youth and vigor will make you feel better, and no longer will you have to be burdened by an old crippled dog.”

As the woman took the dog, and hugged it to her breast, a deep-rooted revulsion came over the boy, and at that moment, the boy vomited. He knew full well the reality that the men could not see.

And he was right. The next day when the boy returned to observe the lady, she had the puppy with her, who was now crippled with a crushed paw.

And the reactions of the passers-by in no way surprised the boy, as they expressed their admiration for such a beautiful woman who would care for a pathetic crippled dog.

• the level of trust you have established with your therapist
• your willingness to listen to what the therapist has to say
• your willingness to consider alternative ways of seeing the world and conceptualizing your issues
• your willingness to change patterned behaviors and ways of thinking to healthier patterns.
• whether or not your therapist actually understands the problem
• whether or not your environment supports healing and growth
• whether or not you can change your current environment and relationships to eliminate abusive, destructive, and non-supportive patterns.
• how far you wish to go with your healing and growth process

Of course, at the LP Institute we do not place it all on you. We understand there are pains and fears and that moving forward and changing destructive or maladaptive patterns of behavior can be a challenge. We understand you may experience both internal resistance and also resistance from your primary and secondary relationships. We also take a sociological approach and understand the critical importance of your home, work, and social environments.  Once trust is established we work with you on all these levels to ensure the best chance of success.

Depending on the issues being tackled, successful therapy may take several years. Unfortunately, there is no magic bullet. Fixing your body and mind is not like fixing your car, or your home. Overcoming years or decades of abuse, changing burned in behavioural patterns, or modifying thinking patterns in order to  to heal neurosis, psychosis, eating disorders, OCDs, and other family or socially generated difficulties requires time, work, commitment, and a competent guiding hand. To be truthful, given the horrible advice we get from parents, school, our friends, priests, and therapists, even learning to be happy in your own skin can be a challenge.

There are several strategies you can use to shorten the process and reduce the financial burden. Therapy does not, for example, require continual weakly visits for the entire duration. Early in the process rapid progress might require weekly visits, but as therapy progresses, as you change your environment to support healthy growth, and your primary relationships come on board and become more supportive, then twice a month, or once every three weeks or less may be appropriate. It might even be that you take several weeks off while you process and grow before returning to weekly sessions.  Talk to us about what your needs and abilities are and we will design an effective process around conditions in your life as they exist right now.

You can shorten the process itself by remaining as open as possible to advice and guidance. Our approach at the LP institute combines psychology, sociology, and even nutrition and medicine to provide you with an effective therapeutic alternative. Put another way, at the LP Institute we can take you as far as you want to go, as fast you care to go. How far and fast you will go will depend on you and the level of trust you have established not only in your therapist, but also in yourself. It is true that you will move farther and faster not only if you trust that your therapist is giving you good guidance, but also if you trust your own strength and abilities. You will be far more likely to try new things, new ways of behaving, new ways of thinking, and new and healthier ideas if you trust in the process and trust in your own ability to navigate the process.

Finally, you can also shorten the therapeutic process by recognizing that the problem is not just you, it is the world around you. As children we are born into this world happy, giggly, and whole. As we grow and mature it is our experiences with our primary and, to a lesser extent, secondary relationships that damage us and cause psychological dysfunction. It is the abuse we experience from our families, the callous disregard we experience from friends, and the predatorial and competitive silliness we are exposed to in the “real” world that harms us and undermines healthy functioning. It is the weird ideas we learn about human nature or gender, the bizarre and painful things we are required to do to survive, and the generally unfriendly conditions we experience that encourages the shut down of our physical and mental selves and the genesis of neurosis and psychosis. Of course, after a decade or more we become part of the problem just as much as the environment around us, so we do need to focus on ourselves as well, but that’s not the exclusive focus. It is only part of the puzzle that you need to understand. Successfully healing yourself requires you fit all the pieces together and LP therapists can definitely help you with that.